can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
