My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
