I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
