It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
