God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
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