i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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