here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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