my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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