is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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