this boner is exhausting
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
