you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
