Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
