My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Randomize
