are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
