fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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