She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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