From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
