Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
