I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
