you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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