i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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