Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My liver just had a heart attack.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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