I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
