why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
there is glitter all over my balls
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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