I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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