So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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