Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
