Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Moan for me like Helen Keller
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
