I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
