Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
