i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize