Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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