I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
