i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
