If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
