Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
