R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
