YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm always down for nudity.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
