Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
