what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize