If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
