woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
