i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
