I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Everclear isn't food dammit
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
