My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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