i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just want to make out with him forever
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
