I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
