Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
