so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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