saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
