david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
