I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
