if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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