My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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