just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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