I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize