I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
