When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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