I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Just invented taco cereal.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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