just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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