Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
