just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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