god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
