i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
